Hey guys!
So first I guess I'll just say that this is kind of a weird/difficult thing to write about. I love makeup and beauty and food, and so I love writing about those things because ~duh~, but I also want this to be a space for me to write about things that are a little bit different than that. And I think that's important, not just for me and the people that know me, but also for anyone who might be reading this that shares any of my experiences.
So,
I have anxiety.
I have anxiety.
Now, theres a lot of confusion as to what that actually means. A lot of people use the term "anxiety" kind of like they use the word "depression"- as a way to refer to fleeting feelings of discomfort or sadness. Feeling anxious and having Anxiety with a capital A are two very different things. Anxiety is not fleeting- it is present for extended amounts of time, or almost all times. For the most part, it cannot be controlled. That being said, Anxiety can also be triggered or experienced more often in certain situations or in response to certain stimuli. For instance, in addition to Generalized Anxiety, I have whats often referred to as Social Anxiety, or anxiety associated with social interactions and the concern of being judged by or embarrassed in front of others. There are other specific kinds of Anxiety- separation anxiety, PTSD, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and other more specific situational anxieties all fall under the Anxiety Disorder umbrella. Im not going to go into these because I don't experience them so I can't speak to what they are like, but knowing that every person with Anxiety is different is essential to understanding the person and the nature of the disorder itself.
Another important thing to note is that anxiety in and of itself is not a bad thing. We as humans are meant to have anxiety to identify danger, motivate us to work towards our goals, and keep us safe. It is when "anxiety" becomes "Anxiety" that there is a problem. Anxiety is thought to be a chemical imbalance within the brain, causing unusually high amounts of anxiety feelings and other side effects. Anxiety is a natural human reaction, but for people with Anxiety, its an involuntary and disproportional reaction to whats happening around them. A solid Google search will put a lot of Anxiety information at your finger tips.
Now that you know a little bit more about Anxiety itself (maybe you knew it already), Ill tell you a little bit about my personal experiences and why I think its important to talk about it.
I have only recently come to terms with my own Anxiety and accepted it. I did not realize that it was a part of me until extremely recently, which seems ridiculous now, looking back, because I can see it so clearly in myself, even in my childhood. Its easiest for me, and I think probably it will be easiest to read if I do this in kind of a question and answer format. (Please remember- this is only my personal experience, and I cannot speak for everyone with Anxiety)
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1. Why is Anxiety important to talk about?
The hardest part about Anxiety, at least for me, was that it can be almost invisible to everyone but yourself. I have only had one anxiety attack (and it wasn't the rocking back and forth unable to breathe kind of attack thats often seen in Anxiety portrayals in media- although those do happen to some people with Anxiety, not all Anxiety attacks occur that way), and my nervous tick of picking at my lip is my only outward manifestations of my Anxiety. The rest is silent to everyone but me. Being alone in your anxiety is an extremely isolating experience- you think you're crazy, messed up, boring, lame, and broken. So I think it is important to talk about Anxiety in all its forms so that people can relate, understand themselves more, and most importantly not feel alone.
2. What causes Anxiety?
Anxiety education through conversation is also important because so many people misunderstand the disorder. For instance, its important to understand that Anxiety is not a character flaw- its partly caused by genetics and partly due to environmental factors. Also, women are diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder more often than men are. My mother I believe has Anxious tendencies, as well as my father. I may have inherited these tendencies genetically, but I also of course was influenced by my parents and their tendencies as I was growing up. Anxiety can be caused by many different factors all at play at once.
3. How did you come to realize that you had Anxiety?
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1. Why is Anxiety important to talk about?
The hardest part about Anxiety, at least for me, was that it can be almost invisible to everyone but yourself. I have only had one anxiety attack (and it wasn't the rocking back and forth unable to breathe kind of attack thats often seen in Anxiety portrayals in media- although those do happen to some people with Anxiety, not all Anxiety attacks occur that way), and my nervous tick of picking at my lip is my only outward manifestations of my Anxiety. The rest is silent to everyone but me. Being alone in your anxiety is an extremely isolating experience- you think you're crazy, messed up, boring, lame, and broken. So I think it is important to talk about Anxiety in all its forms so that people can relate, understand themselves more, and most importantly not feel alone.
2. What causes Anxiety?
Anxiety education through conversation is also important because so many people misunderstand the disorder. For instance, its important to understand that Anxiety is not a character flaw- its partly caused by genetics and partly due to environmental factors. Also, women are diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder more often than men are. My mother I believe has Anxious tendencies, as well as my father. I may have inherited these tendencies genetically, but I also of course was influenced by my parents and their tendencies as I was growing up. Anxiety can be caused by many different factors all at play at once.
3. How did you come to realize that you had Anxiety?
Growing up, I always felt like I was a walking contradiction. I am a very hopeful and upbeat person for the most part, but my Anxiety filled me with dread and unidentifiable worry that was constant. I love people, but Social Anxiety makes me want to avoid a lot of social situations. These contradictions not only made for a winding road to realizing my Anxiety, but also made it really difficult to talk to friends or family about during the initial stages of my realization. My friends would see how easily I was able to converse with them and people I was comfortable around and say, "No way! Theres no way you have Social Anxiety! You have great people skills!" What they didn't know is that my stomach turns every time I attend a party and keeps turning until I feel comfortable in the space, which is not often. What they didn't see is me spending 10 minutes mentally preparing myself to call the doctors office to set up an appointment before hanging up 3 times. Or how I replay awkward social interactions in my head over and over again obsessively even years after they've happened, and still feel the hot teary embarrassment I did when it actually occurred. Or the days that I am just unable to spend much time outside of my room because social interaction just seems too exhausting.
I always knew I was "weird" or "different". When I was a child, I had a very intense fear of the dark. I would literally go to bed with a pot and a stick to hit in the event of emergency, and I would silently cry myself to sleep every night. I didn't have friends in elementary school or middle school for the most part, not because I didn't want them, but because I never felt comfortable. I didn't have sleep overs. I didn't join clubs. I never felt normal or like I was like other kids.
It was only once I started college and began reading feminist and other inclusive literature that I realized Anxiety was even a thing and that it sounded a lot like what I had felt my entire life. I started to realize that I wasn't just "messed up" or "weird", but that what I was feeling and going through was ok, and if not normal, it was at least shared by other people.
4. What does Anxiety feel like?
The best way I can describe the feeling of constant Anxiety is a mix between dread, guilt, and impending doom. As melodramatic as those sound, its really quite accurate, at least for me. Dread because I always feel like something bad is going to happen and its my fault, guilt because I am constantly questioning myself and thinking that I have done everything wrong, and impending doom because at times it feels like there is no escape from my feelings or from the vague "bad things" that are going to happen. These are very vague for the most part- there is no certain "bad thing" thats going to happen in particular, at least not for me. These feelings also vary in their intensity- most of the time they're just a humming under the surface of my day to day thoughts. Other times like during a Anxiety attack or a bout of severe Anxiety, they are very intense. During these times, they tend to take over my mind and prevent me from functioning normally or thinking of other things.
As I read in an article for the New York Times once, "Anxiety is not fear, exactly, because fear is focused on something right in front of you, a real and objective danger. It is instead a kind of fear gone wild, a generalized sense of dread about something out there that seems menacing - but that in truth is not menacing, and may not even be out there. If you're anxious, you find it difficult to talk yourself out of this foreboding; you become trapped in an endless loop of what ifs."
It was only once I started college and began reading feminist and other inclusive literature that I realized Anxiety was even a thing and that it sounded a lot like what I had felt my entire life. I started to realize that I wasn't just "messed up" or "weird", but that what I was feeling and going through was ok, and if not normal, it was at least shared by other people.
4. What does Anxiety feel like?
The best way I can describe the feeling of constant Anxiety is a mix between dread, guilt, and impending doom. As melodramatic as those sound, its really quite accurate, at least for me. Dread because I always feel like something bad is going to happen and its my fault, guilt because I am constantly questioning myself and thinking that I have done everything wrong, and impending doom because at times it feels like there is no escape from my feelings or from the vague "bad things" that are going to happen. These are very vague for the most part- there is no certain "bad thing" thats going to happen in particular, at least not for me. These feelings also vary in their intensity- most of the time they're just a humming under the surface of my day to day thoughts. Other times like during a Anxiety attack or a bout of severe Anxiety, they are very intense. During these times, they tend to take over my mind and prevent me from functioning normally or thinking of other things.
As I read in an article for the New York Times once, "Anxiety is not fear, exactly, because fear is focused on something right in front of you, a real and objective danger. It is instead a kind of fear gone wild, a generalized sense of dread about something out there that seems menacing - but that in truth is not menacing, and may not even be out there. If you're anxious, you find it difficult to talk yourself out of this foreboding; you become trapped in an endless loop of what ifs."
5. How do you deal with your Anxiety?
Now that I am aware of it, it usually really helps for me to remember that it is separate from myself. I am not my anxiety, as it were. During bouts of intense Anxious feelings, it helps to know that it is my Anxiety acting up, rather than think that I myself am spinning out of control. Separating my Anxiety from myself during these times is rather like stepping off a roller coaster- it is still going at its dizzying pace, but you can watch it finish from a safe distance rather than be forced to participate. That has been extremely helpful to me, which is why I think it is so important to talk about Anxiety, so that others can identify that part of themselves as well and chose to step off of their own roller coasters if they need to.
Anxiety effects me in other ways besides just intense Anxiety times as well. For instance, Anxiety makes me usually unable to get to sleep or sleep well because my mind is still worrying about.. well, everything. Anxiety can also cause stomach problems, nervous habits, depression, headaches, and an inability to focus on tasks for very long. It can also negatively impact your relationships with other people. I experience all of these from time to time. Dealing with Anxiety and its many ways of effecting you is a personal and very complex process that is dependent on what issues you deal with yourself. I could definitely share some of the ways I personally deal with my Anxiety more specifically in another post if anyone would be interested!
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If you've gotten this far, congratulations you've made it to the end of the longest blog post ever. I hope that maybe just one of my readers might have found this helpful in any way. And please feel free to ask any questions, or talk to me personally about anything you might be going through with Anxiety or other things!
Thank you so much for reading!
XOXO
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